"I know it's late

But I couldn't wait to call you on the phone

it's been a while since I've been at home

All of this was my own choice

Since the man upstairs has given me this voice

No matter how long it takes

No matter how hard the breaks

I've gotta use it!

Or lose it!

I just can't stand to refuse

A chance to do what I've gotta do

I've got to sing my song"

Oleta Adams, I've gotta sing my song

I am finally finding  my own tune 
Last night I did Emazon Mindfit. I am sceptical about anyone and anything that someone turns into a Guru and there are certainly people who have done that with Emazon. Generally that means that is just someone who has been able to give them the brief history of time even more briefly than the last person did. 

Emazon certainly does that - she pulls together Quantum Physics,  Pendulum magic, Meditation, Neurology, Meditation, Mind Mapping, Nutrition,  Chinese Medicine and a bit of Biff too. She doesn't claim to do anything other than that. 

Oh - and she listens better than most people I have come across in life. She sits quietly within herself, listens to what you have said and then feeds back to you what you have REALLY just said.

This is one smart cookie and a passionate one at that.

I gotta tell you I love the Biff - I previously spent a lot of time being afraid of hitting someone or even just hitting something, but now I love the biff. I love that the skin on my knuckles is is bruised, cut, red - I feel strong.  For a woman a punch is a big deal, in the beginning there is a voice that runs through your head "Girls don't hit. What if you hurt someone? It's wrong to hit. People will think you are a bad person" But deeper than that my voice had been saying "Oh no, what if I'm strong? If I'm strong, then I need to stop playing this game where I quit." 

I have boxed before - not in the ring, Pads. And I have hit hard, but this time it was MMA gloves, gloves where you get to feel the contact and therefore feel your strength and the biff reminded me - 


I like hittin' shit.

In my first Emazon session one of the other people there said "They  needed to stop comparing themselves to people who seemed to have their stuff together"  [pause] "Like Cathy"

This made me angry, really really angry and I replied with..
"I just want people to STOP thinking I have my stuff together - All I am is consistent."
I stewed on this, cried about this later when I got home. 
What I thought I was crying about was this - I thought I was frustrated because people weren't seeing me as a real person. A real flawed, struggling to work shit out Person. I felt like if people weren't seeing my struggling than they were judging my journey as easy.  That I had some magical answer. I don't. 

Maybe they thought this, maybe they didn't.  But that wasn't the truth as to what was going on for me. 
At the end of my final Emazon we did a guided meditation, in this meditation we met ourselves, she gave me a message - 

You are not working towards Extraordinary, you are remembering it.

I cried. I got it. These people that call me amazing and inspirational and think I have it all together - what has bugged me about this was my fear of taking a punch and finding my power. It has been easier to be annoyed than to say - 'Yes, I am powerful, I am extraordinary' 

We all are.

We just need to remember that.